Doubts

Lord, I hear you calling. It’s one of those times when I feel compelled to be here, listening for your word, your wisdom. I’m here to accept what you have to say to me.

Michael, express what’s on your mind tonight.

Well, I feel unworthy. I feel like I’ve been perhaps naive or unappreciative of your blessings. I have been seeking and asking for your help in attaining ‘financial freedom’, which recently we have clarified as really being ‘mental freedom’, but it boils down to having more time available to focus on the important – to focus on you and your will, and serving your church.

What makes you feel naive or unappreciative? You need to get this out.

I am so blessed Lord. I have a wonderful family, living in a wonderful area and home, have a stable job, and I’m never satisfied. I’m always looking for more.

Keep going, Michael.

I feel unappreciative because there are so many others in this world and this country who are going through such hard times financially and I’m asking for a way out of the 9-5 way of life. I feel like maybe I should just be thankful for having a job, and work hard to keep it and to advance, and not have my head in the clouds.

Thank you for your honesty. your feelings are valid Michael, and this is an important stage in this journey for you. There are many things behind these feelings that you must understand. First of all, what you’re asking for is not less responsibility – you’re not copping out. You are actually asking for more responsibility. What holds greater accountability, managing projects for your company, or serving me? If you are to serve a purpose in my kingdom, that is what holds the greatest responsibility, and your current job means very little in the overall picture. Second, I gave you your passions – I gave you that unquenchable thirst for significance, for impact, for more responsibility, for serving people. It comes from me, and will not be quenched until you are doing what I mean for you to do.

What do you mean for me to do?

Michael, you know that’s part of the discovery – you’ll get there.

Well, your words bring great comfort Lord. I was afraid I was acting like a spoiled child, asking for something else, when so many people would probably do anything to be in my position right now, with the blessings you have bestowed on me and my family.

Michael, remember that I want to bless you. Stay obedient and you will continue to be blessed, directly from me. Remember that what many people consider to be blessings are not truly my doing, but another course of their life that may not be my will. Many people attain desirable things and call them blessings, even though they do not have a true relationship with me. I bless those that are in fellowship with me and who are obedient to me.

So blessings are a result of obedience?

Yes, but not in the way you think about the causality. Remember that I look at your life without time. I know what you’re going to do and when. I knew that you would be sitting with me right now, typing this very word. I know everything, because I am not constrained by time. You have been blessed throughout your life because you have shown obedience throughout your life. For example, a person could show obedience during one part of their life and receive blessing for that in another part of their life, even earlier than their obedience. However, typically, I bless in a way that demonstrates to you a causal effect between the obedience and fellowship with me and the blessing.

So, it’s a reward system?

Not exactly.

It sounds like it to me.

I do what I need to do to bring you closer to me – to foster our relationship. If that means tying the blessing to the obedience directly, then I do that – which is most often the case. However, there are times when it’s not the case and I bless in a fashion that you would not perceive as a result of any particular action of yours.

Well, this is getting pretty deep, even for me. I’m not sure I get this, which makes me think that my mind may be getting creative in this prayer.

Michael, tell me what your fear is with what you keep describing as ‘your mind being creative’.

I’m afraid that what I record in this journal is not genuine, and that if it’s not, it would be misleading to people who may read it.

That’s valid Michael, and noble. Look at what you write – read the above again, and then come back and let me know whether you think it is prideful or that it points to me.

…

Well, what I’ve written points toward obedience to you. I’d say that’s not prideful. However, I have some suspicion that some things that I write seem to be revelations or information from you that are different or new than how most other people think about you or their relationship with you.

You’re right, it is different than how most people think about me or their relationship with me. And I’m afraid that most will be very disappointed in the end. You have purpose Michael. Your purpose is to bring others into fellowship with me.

Can you be clearer about ‘very disappointed’.

No Michael – not here.

So your revelation to me about new ways of thinking about our relationship, that’s not potentially a prideful mind looking for a way to make a special mark on the world and being creative about how it does it, through a ruse of relationship with you?

That’s a good question Michael. I am glad you are comfortable being so open.

This seems like a huge obstacle for me. I don’t get the sense that many people have this kind of dialog with you. I fear that most Christians would think it’s impossible to have this kind of dialog with you.

I’d remind you that there are many times when you have not understood what I was trying to say, but you wrote it down anyway, in trust, only later to find out that what you wrote before makes perfect sense in the light of further explanation. You have done no editing until tonight when you added something to my word while re-reading that I prompted (your passion for serving people), and you’ve simply let the conversations flow. Go back and read your entries and then tell me whether you doubt that we are in true communion.

I feel that this is a hurdle of a young communal relationship with you. Have others gone through this stage with the same anxiety / doubt?

Of course, Michael. It is completely normal for someone in your position. And there is risk in this stage of our relationship. The risk is that you pull away before looking back and becoming convinced again that our relationship is real. Most people do not have a record of my impact in their lives or the wisdom I share, so it becomes a distant feeling of loss, and something that becomes harder to recapture. You have a record now that you can look back and read and feel what you felt when you were writing the words.

I love you Lord. Please forgive my doubt. I trust in your word, I just don’t want to take something or represent something as your word if it’s not.

I know Michael. Remember, this blog was my idea, not yours. You didn’t want to do it for a very long time. Then you wanted to keep it private. Now it’s out in the public, and people know who’s behind it, and it makes you fear how you look to the world. Stay true to me and my word, Michael. The world is full of distraction and deception. I am your light – surrender to me.

I remember what you said the other night about the mind. I’m thinking now that if these dialogs were of my mind, my mind would be trying to exert control over them – isn’t that right.

It is.

So when I surrender, I’m releasing my mind’s will and allowing my heart’s will to take over?

Yes.

And you’re able to speak to me through my heart?

Your heart is the only way you’re able to hear me. I’m able to speak to you whenever I want, obviously, but you’re only able to hear me when your mind is out of the way. You’ve simply become good at surrendering the control of your mind to your heart, which allows you to hear me. Your heart is connected to the current, of which I am the source and the end – the Alpha and Omega.

That brings up another point I’ve been thinking about. What is it with us talking about the ‘heart’. I mean, my heart is just an organ in my physical body, right? Are we using that word as a symbol for something else? Is there a better name for that something else?

We’re calling it by the name that makes the most sense to you, to enable you to grasp its truth in the most effective manner. Your ‘heart’ is meant to represent that which is connected to love. Surrendering to your heart is also like saying you’re surrendering to love.

What do you mean by love? I mean, love is a word people say to each other even when it’s hollow. It’s also referred to as a feeling, which many people confuse with lust.

Love is not a word or a feeling, it is a form of will.

What does that mean – a form of will?

A form of will is a form of intent. When you are properly aligned with me, your will / intent will be on the benefit of others. Your mind wants to hoard, your heart wants to exhibit love, which is the closest human will to my own.

Your will is similar to love?

Yes Michael. My greatest will is to be in fellowship with you and mankind. This is done in ways that is not always what you would consider to be what you want to have happen to you, but it’s always with the will of your eternal benefit. Some people come to trust in my will, and connect their heart with me to the point where the mind’s will becomes subjugated. Most people do not. I am interested in helping you overcome the will of your mind, so that my will can flow through you into others lives.

Through what we’re calling my heart?

Yes, Michael.

Is that the best name for it?

It is for you, that’s why we’ve been using it.

I see.

Thank you Lord for your wisdom and guidance. I praise you and adore you.

Rest well Michael.