Drowning

Lord, please speak to me. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like everything’s about to collapse. What am I doing? What is your will, Lord? How can I support my family while serving you? What is the next step on your path? Am I even on your path?

Michael, breathe. Slow down. I’m here, and I love you.

… pause …

I just feel like I’m wasting my time. I’m not good at the primary things I’m expected to do, and I don’t even care to become good at those things. Please, Father, give me insight into these things.

Michael, you’re doing fine. You’re trying to escape from a challenge, and it’s causing you anxiety. Fight through this and your reward will be on the other side.

That’s not the answer I wanted, Lord. Is that really your will? You want me to stick it out working for a company I don’t care about, doing a job I’m not good at and don’t care about getting better at, for what reward? What could they possibly give me that would matter? Money? I don’t care about that. I just want to stay “in the black” living where and how we do today. I don’t need any more. What I want is to serve you with my time. How can I do both???

Where is your heart in this? Is it in escaping responsibility or in truly serving me?

I’ve wanted to “marry” my profession with my relationship with you for a long time. This anxiety, I think, is just making that more urgent, maybe? What do you see in me, Lord?

In a way you’re right. You want both – escape and to serve me.

Is there a way for me to serve you with my days and still support my family financially?

Your family will be fine. Let’s focus on you.

Ok. Is there a way for me to serve you and continue to enjoy the comfortable lifestyle that you have blessed me with?

Yes.

Whew – ok – what is that way?

…

Lord, what is that way???

Michael, you’re not asking the right question. Your questions reveal your heart. You’re basically saying that the only way that you would choose to serve me with your days is under your terms – if you can continue to live in “comfort”.

You’re right… that’s what’s coming out… I didn’t realize that… I do trust you Lord. I know you’re there and that you love me. I know that you want me to be holy and that you want to bless me. I want those things too. I want more than anything to be able to focus my time on my relationship with you and serving you by fostering others’ relationship with you. At the same time, I’m so afraid of letting my family down.

You would be a better father and husband by focusing on me rather than focusing on providing financially. You’d also be more at peace.

How can the financial burden be removed? I don’t want to have to choose.

Choice reveals the condition of your heart. This is not going to be made easy.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to be holy. I want to reveal myself to the world through you.

My living condition is finally one I’m comfortable in. I’ve stopped wanting. Taking a step back from that seems like a huge mistake. I’d be wanting again – I don’t want that.

I never said you had to step back from your current living situation.

I’m so confused, Lord. Can’t you just tell me what you want me to do?

No. It doesn’t work that way. If your whole heart were devoted, you’d know what to do.

You told people what to do throughout the Bible. Why can’t you tell me?

The Bible is also full of people’s failures in heeding my word and calling.

What if I asked for financial help from family to pay the bills while I shifted my focus toward my passions and applying those passions on serving you?

At least you’d know if that’s an option.

If I ask then at least I’d know. Ok, great… that’s pretty obvious.

Michael, sometimes the most obvious answers are hidden from view.