Disciplining My Daughter

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ.  Lord, …

Michael, don’t start. You’re distracted. Come back when you can focus on me.

Ok.

…

Lord, I ask for your guidance tonight. I am so saddened by my loss of temper with [my daughter]. How can I be a better father to her? How can I help her to understand how to listen and obey?

That’s a good question Michael. Let me know when you figure it out.

I hope that’s in jest.

It is, but it communicates something that’s important to understand. You face a similar situation as I do. I will not force you to hear me (most of the time) and do not force obedience. This is done for an explicit reason. I would rather have respect than forced compliance. I have the power to rule over you with an ‘iron fist’. Your life would not be a pleasant experience and you would learn to despise me. Think about how you are approaching your daughter with this in mind.

You mean to say that my discipline style is a path toward [my daughter] despising me?? Oh Lord, please help me. What should I do when she is blatantly defiant or disrespectful or ignores me?

First, you must start with an understanding that you cannot control her – in reality you don’t even want to control her. You want respect, and you deserve respect as her parent. But your actions can also make you less deserving of that respect, to the point that I would not hold her accountable to you. You are not close to that now, but you just need to know that whether you deserve respect is not a right, it’s a privilege. You have been blessed by two wonderful, unique and talented daughters, who have tremendous potential to be a conduit for my love in the world. You have been entrusted with fostering their growth. In order for them to be in the best position to take their place in my presence early in their lives, they must be ready – not only spiritually, but also emotionally. Emotional issues can become huge distractions to my word and my will. Emotional issues are a symptom of sin and perpetuate from generation to generation. You have some ‘baggage’ from your parents and you’ve created some of your own to pass down. The question is whether you are willing to allow me to cleanse you before any further damage is done to your line.

So once I accept that I cannot and do not want to control her, then how should I react – no, respond – to her misbehavior and disrespect?

In love, but also with a firm hand. Not a hurtful hand, but a gentle but firm hand.

So, are you saying that spanking is out of the question?

Yes, Michael. Spanking is out of the question. As you have already seen, it only breeds defiance and spite. Your threat of spanking can only go so far anyway. What do you do when they’re too old for spanking? You will not be prepared to deal with how to handle the misbehavior in a constructive way, because you’re currently resorting to a physical punishment or a threat of one.

I understand. I’m relieved that spanking is not the best way, because I hate doing it. It just seemed like the most ‘real’ disciplinary action that would result in a change of behavior.

But it doesn’t work as planned. And meanwhile, your daughter is now looking at you as a potential threat to her well being.

I had no idea. I am so ashamed. ..

So when I respond in love with a firm hand, what is the best response to, let’s say, her ignoring me?

Take away the thing that she is choosing to focus on instead of you.

Ok.. for how long?

Until she demonstrates that she’s listening. You keep taking things away until she has nothing left to distract her, if you need to. Once she demonstrates listening, you reward with giving her back the first thing you took away. It’s not easy. It’s not a quick fix like a spanking, but it’s a lasting solution. Try it for a week and see the evidence.

Thank you Lord.