The Search for Significance – Devotional – Step 1

1) How do you define self-worth?

Self-worth is how I feel about myself.  Am I living up to what I am intended, or called, to do in this life?  Am I the man I can be, the father I can be, the husband I can be, the friend I can be?

For additional insight – I can see that my answers above are performance based.  They’re definitely not relationally based, so I think my self-worth is heavy on the performance side of the equation.  I may have learned to deal without the relational aspect as much.

Lord, please create in me a quiet sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who I am, knowing that I am your perfect and complete creation.  Designed to be someone who you will reveal over time, but exactly where I need to be right now for your divine purpose.

2a) Are you glad you are you?

I feel better than ever about being me.  At the same time, I wouldn’t say I’m glad about it.  I experience tremendous joy being me, living the life I am living.  At the same time, I feel I should be, or am capable of, doing so much more.  I feel exceptionally blessed to have the people in my life that I do, even though I do not have any friends, I feel tremendous joy in my family.  I also feel exceptionally blessed to have been given the gifts that I have, not to mention to be called as one of “God’s elect”.

2b) Do you have a healthy sense of self-worth?

Similar to 2a above, it’s better than it ever has been, but I am very much looking forward to the Holy Spirit’s working in my life, healing and leading me toward my calling / potential.

For additional insight – This needs to be stronger, not neutral.  Again the focus is clearly on performance in my answers here.  But what is my worth if it’s no different that someone else’s worth?  Why am I loved?  These questions presume that in order for me to feel self-worth, I have to be somehow better than other people.  I do feel that I am relatively, stable, however.  I feel that I deal with failure and defeat relatively well, however I do not wish to be tested by that.

3a) Read Ephesians 1:3-14 and list what God has done to you and for you:

• God has predestined me to be one of his elect.
• I was chosen before the foundation of the world to be adopted as his son through Jesus Christ my lord.
• He has redeemed me and forgiven me by his grace alone
• He has given and guaranteed an inheritance
• He has sealed me with the Holy Spirit of promise

3b) What phrases does Paul use to show you the extent of God’s love?

• Beloved
• Abounding grace
• Takes good pleasure in having his will made known

3c) How do you feel about these truths?

I feel absolutely humbled.  It’s almost impossible to fathom how the almighty God takes a loving and intimate interest in me.  He loves me.  My acceptance of his love brings him immense joy – like a son coming back home to his father.  I’m home daddy!  I’m sorry for leaving – and he’s already forgiven me.  I just want to rest in his arms, feel his embrace, hear his tender voice…

I love you Michael.  I have wonderful plans for you.  First, let us get you cleaned up, and then we can talk about your future here with me.  Don’t fret over the little things.  I will reveal what you need to know when you need to know it, therefore trust me.

4) Why do we have a basic desire for personal significance?  Why does man wrestle with the basic questions Who am I? And Why am I here?

The basic desire is placed there by God.  I believe it is there so that we would search Him out and search out His calling.

5a) List some activities, relationships, or achievements that make you feel better about yourself.

• Being a father and experiencing the joy of learning who my children are
• Being a husband and sharing in life’s experiences with [my wife]
• Learning about God and how I may grow in my relationship with Jesus
• Creating something that brings joy or value to people’s lives
• Professional acheivements

5b) List some activities, poor relationships or failures that make you feel bad about yourself.

• My failures as a project manager on integration projects
• Driving frustrations
• General relating with other people – not comfortable with what other people think of me

6) What difference would it make in your attitude, relationships, and goals if you grasped the reality that your worth is not conditional (for example, based on performance) but is based on the truth of the unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance of God?

I think it would make a huge difference in my relationships with people.  In some ways, I think that I put on a front to try to convince people that I am someone, because I’m afraid that they won’t just like who I really am.  I think I come across as stuffy or rigid or intense, and I really just want to have peace within myself to be who I am without fear of rejection.  I had a lot of rejection from friends as a kid, moving around a lot, and then trouble knowing what to do to interact with and keep friends.  It’s impacted me my entire life.  Looking at this now, I can see that my recent focus on trying to discover what I am called to do has been misguided.  I should be most focused on being who I am called to be.  It’s also worth noting that the word I used above was ‘discover’ rather than expecting revelation.  First be, then do what is natural.

7a) Whose opinion of you do you value most?

This is a tough question to answer.  First thing that comes to mind is [my wife].  As my wife, she matters a great deal to me.  I want her to accept me and I have, at times, questioned whether she really does love me like I expect her to.  Next, my dad comes to mind – but not sure that’s it.  My boss comes to mind because she represents my financial stability, which determines my ability to provide for my family.  Now looking at this in a new light, if I were to lose my job, the person who I would be most concerned with, even fearful of, telling would be [my wife].  I think this is the case because I am fearful that it would subvert her confidence in me.  I am her provider, and she relies on me.
Upon re-reading this – my boss does not represent my financial stability.

7b) What is your most common response to that person?

I think I try to prove to [my wife] a lot that I know what I’m talking about.  I think this comes across, however, like I think I’m always right.  This is part of trying desperately to ‘win’ her acceptance and love by ‘putting on a show’ that is acutally counter-productive for me.  I’m pretty sure the reason she loves me is not because I have lots of answers.

8.) Think of the person you know who loves you most.  How does that love make you feel?

I think I would say that [my daughter] loves me most.  It makes me feel incredible when she shows random acts of love.  When she yells ‘Daddy!’ when I get home.  When I put her to bed and she gives me a kiss.  When she wants to tell me all about something she did.  When she wants to show me how she did something great.  It feels amazing.

9) Why does the equation Others’ Opinions = Self-Worth cause us to be concerned about our performance?

Because others’ opinions can be fleeting.  If others’ opinions are fleeting, then that means that my self-worth is a balancing act on a whimsically moving tightrope.  Others’ opinions aren’t even fully based upon who I am or what I do.  This formula would have me hopelessly chasing self-worth for the rest of my life.

10) Is it difficult to view yourself in terms other than your performance or others’ opinions of you?  If so, why?

Yes.  It’s hard to imagine not needing to be striving for something.  I think that I get personal satisfaction and achievement by going after something and getting it – a job, buying things, learning things, making progress on reading a book, video game accomplishments.  These achievements have given me my self-worth, but they always require ‘the next thing’.  Giving up this view means that I could be comfortable in my job, comfortable with my relationship with the Lord, not having the need to figure out how I can be God’s gift to humanity, not having the need to figure out how to become financially independent.  I think I fear that this would create time in my day.  Why am I fearful of that?  Time means that I am not being distracted by something.  Are these persuits mearly distractions?  Or are they God’s leading?  I don’t know.  I suppose it’s a distraction when it’s not focused on God’s glory.

11a & b) A number of the major problems in our lives originate from how we value ourselves – our self-worth.  However many of the answers to these problems are superficial bumper-sticker solutions.  What are some examples of these, such as “Just have faith” or “Just trust God”?  How are each inadequate?

• God won’t give you more than you can handle
  • God has purpose in what he directs in each person’s life.  However, God doesn’t direct every moment of each person’s life.  He will be there if the relationship is close, and will love and support and guide.  But for a non-Christian or even a Christian who cares little for their relationship with Him, He may not be there to hold your hand out of the ditch you have dug, unless of course you repent and sincerely rededicate your life to walking with Him.  Additionally, God does convict us or even punish some people for their iniquities.  Children of the enemy can not count on God helping them when all they have done and continue to do is spit in his face.
• You’re a child of God
  • Children of God are pre-ordained.  They are believers in the risen Christ.  Not everyone is a child of God.  Some people (many even) are children of the enemy.
• Jesus is the answer
• Give it to God
• Just trust God, and it will work out
• Just pray about it

The Search for Significance (Part 1 and 2)

• Self worth = approval from others + performance
  • I must have the approval of certain other people before I can approve of myself
    • God’s answer: RECONCILIATION: only his acceptance can fulfill our need for acceptance
  • I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself
    • God’s answer: JUSTIFICATION
  • Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished
  • I am what I am, I cannot change, I am hopeless
• We are addicted to approval
• God promises freedom from fear: of rejection, failure, …
• God has emotions
• He knows himself absolutely and every situation thoroughly, therefore he always thinks correctly, which is why He is never overwhelmed by His emotions
• You keep yourself angry by continuing to think about what makes you angry
• Emotions don’t destroy our life, it’s being overwhelmed by certain emotions
• Our task is to understand what His thoughts are so that we can have His emotions
• There are 1,050 commandments to the Christian in the New Testament
• Four inadequate reasons for being obedient:
  • Someone will find out
  • God will hate me
  • I couldn’t be proud of myself
  • I’ll trade with God
• God disciplines his child, not punish
• Adequate reasons for obedience:
  • Sin is destructive (everything antagonistic to who God is) and holds you captive
    • If something is not right, it’s wrong – don’t justify wrong if you can’t explain why it’s right
  • The Father will discipline
    • Because sin is destructive
  • His commands are good
    • He is trying to bring blessing to our lives
  • Love of Christ compels us
  • Rewards

Lust